Friday, December 26, 2008

friends. close friends. best friends. soulmates.

i have the most genuine. true. accepting. caring. loving. trusting friends, one could ever have.

this year brought so much. good times. laughs. strong, unbreakable bonds. memories i will never forget.

it brought lessons learned. a friendship that isnt always so perfect; but in the end, always mends and goes another round; is a friendship meant to be. sometimes perfection takes a few tries. but when you love someone, its worth the effort to keep working until you get it right. i know the mistakes i made in that certain friendship. and through many trials and errors, i know what it takes to get it right this time around.

ever heard the saying, "if it sounds to good to be true, then it is?". what a lesson this was to learn. when you hear and see so many "red flags" but choose to ignore them, they will eventually become "un-ignorable". to think i was fooled by the "o so perfect words spoken at the o so perfect times", my stomach rumbles. the hypocrisy. the lies. the holier-than-thou. is anyone really this perfect? just call me little red riding hood because i was defiantly fooled by this wolf in disguise. although i will remain civil to this person, being well aware of who this person really is will now always provide for an air of caution.

as for my other friends. my close friends. my best friends. my soul mates. the seven people who i am so grateful to be a part of the bond that we all share together; i love you dearly. i cannot wait to see where the new year brings us. thanks for all the wonderful times this year. and to those this applies, the years past. were like fine wine....we get better in time. we better be, since we drink enough of it. xoxo

new years resolutions - final list

ive added two new resolutions to my list, so for an update from a few blogs ago:

1. continued weight loss/no smoking 2. nursing school. 3. no more debt 4. have a baby

my two new ones:

5. go to the movies more 6. take a cooking class and a salsa dancing class with the hubby

Thursday, December 25, 2008

merry, merry, happy christmas!

well, jolly ole saint nicholas has come and gone. i hope everyone got what they asked for.

christmas is so commericalized. when i was a child it was so simple. family. gifts for us kids. dinner at our mamaws house. but now, its a shoppy frenzy and the race to get the biggest and best gift. we kept it simple this year. and we were just as happy as we were last year, when we spent a small fortune. christmas is about the birth of our Lord. i wished everyone would keep that the center of their holiday.

jamie and i spent new years eve with our families. today, we enjoyed each other. we went and saw a movie this afternoon. now, getting ready for the new year. re-doing my kitchen. getting ready for part one of nursing school. im just so excited for this new year.

Monday, December 22, 2008

christmas time in the mountains

ok. cutest thing. we were on our way to the cabin yesterday, which was our christmas to each other & on the side of the highway, was a santa..waiving from his sleigh...with his reindeer. now, the reindeer was a beautiful brown cow, with antlers. it was so adorable. if it hadn't of been so cold outside, i would've stopped and paid to have my picture made.

the cabin was beautiful. cozy. we had an absolutely awesome time. from dinner, to the movie, the hottub to a 2 hour super duper bubble bath in the jacuzzi tub, everything was perfect. i cannot wait to go back. ive done a lot of things in my life, but i had never been to a cabin. it was wonderful. again, i cannot wait to go back.

christmas is a few days away. ive never, ever been so "bah humbug'ish" as ive been this year. im sure i know some reasons as to why, but i dont like being so blah! i cannot wait until the new year. mmm, exspecially for the black eyed peas and ham hock. mmm, mmm, good.

i went to the dr. today. 15 days from my 1st appt; ive lost 9.2 lbs. and havent smoked. how awesome is that. he was super duper excited. starting tomorrow, i have to start incorporating 30-min workouts, 5 days a week. i lost my gym buddy =( so im not sure if ill hit the gym or roll the trusty ole' treadmill back out. maybe a bit of both. exercise is fun, but i have to admit, id rather be shopping. its healthy. one hour of shopping can burn 150 calories.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

im dreaming of a white christmas

we could have one this year. how exciting this could be!

im watching the bucket list...again. this is one of the best movies, ever. if you havent saw it...please go rent it.

ive been busy getting ready for school, starting in january. looking for a PT job to work during school. the next year is gonna be super crazy but exciting at same time. im so excited.

this week it has rained. for 7 days straight. maybe more. i love the rain but im thinkin i need a day or two of sunshine soon.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

my new, new years resolutions

ive thought alot about my resolutions for next year, over the past few weeks. i think last year was the first year that i actually adhered to them and didnt forget them by mid-february. indeed, i am proud. my list last year was rather lengthy, but needed.

this year, i have a carry-over and 3 new ones. a simple list.

#1. carry-over
continue my journey of weight loss. since 12/5, i have lost 10 lbs & stopped smoking.

#2. become a nurse by 30
school starts in April. although my birthday is in October, I will be in clinicals by that time and will only be a few weeks away from getting my LPN license.

#3. debt
everything extra will go toward paying stuff off this year and getting on a strict budget. this is super important to me this year.

#4. baby
we will continue our journey to have a baby of our own.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

coming soon...

lots of changes.

when one is about to turn 30; your all of a sudden aware of many, many more things, than you were just a short 365 days ago. number one, you are only 10 years from being 40. 40! 40 used to be so, so far away. now, not so much. you realize that you didnt do all the exploration you had hoped, when you left home at 18 and was going to conquer the exotic cuisine. different cultures. im confident mexican, chinese & japanese, dont count for exotic foods and having been only to 14 states, doesnt quite count for a world traveler. the only culture i know is living in the south. impressive right?

not really. 30 years old. grrr. ive done nothing.

out of high school in '97, i turned a bit rebellious. a year i wished i could go back and redo. but the past is the past and i learned much from my many mistakes. the fall of '98, i started college. a teacher. a doctor. or an accountant; my undecided goals in life. i was in college for a semester & a half when i met jamie. 10 years later, im knocking on the door of being the big "three-oh!" and i realize that im still so undecisive about things now as i was back then. for the past 7 years i did have an awesome career that i loved and enjoyed. but its not what i want to do for eternity. personally, pushing paperwork and handling corporate problems leave me feeling that i dont give much to society.

ive been in a "ive got to find myself" phase, for the last several months. probably, the last year. knowing that 30 was approaching i knew that i had to do something that i would be proud of. something big. sometimes, a lot of little things just dont add up to something big.

change 1: after two-years of taking time away from my career to foster kids; and after grieving over the last few months for no longer fostering kids...i am actively looking to go back to work full-time. ive been stir crazy for a while. im too much of a social butterfly to sit at home. it bores my brain and i get grouchy.

change 2: i start nursing school in April. im nervous. scared. excited. impatient. ive wanted to do this for a long, long time. but this has been in works for several months. i know i love people. and i love taking care of people. and helping people. i will be a great nurse.

change 3: because i am going back to work. and because i am starting nursing school. and this is all so new to me. i will be training to become a CNA the second week of January. During nursing school; I will be working as a CNA part-time. the work of CNAs arent always glamourous. but being in the hospital culture and getting the experience of the medical field, to a must.

i wished i wouldve accomplished these things 5-10 years ago. but i didnt. and im doing them now. and i couldnt be happier. im looking forward to what the next several months have in store for me.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

it's's pouring....

and its suppose to snow tonight. im excited. i seem to be excited alot lately. hey! that's a great thing. we had planned on staying at my parents until tomorrow or saturday, but with them calling snow; i didnt want to take the chance of getting snowed in. we didnt bring dusty this time so i had to get home to him. i dont think we will get any thing significant, but one can wish. i want a huge snow. a blizzard would be great!

christmas is just around the corner and ive not bought the first thing. i think we are going to put our money for gifts toward our vacation for our anniversary in april. we really want to go back to ft. lauderdale. as for everyone else, im still leaning on a donation to the angel tree, in their honor. i need to hurry up and make up my mind, since the deadlines for that is this week.

i think my new fav at starbucks is the vanilla skinny latte. although fat free; its got a better taste and actually tastes sweeter. thanks go to kris.

Monday, December 8, 2008

i do it for

im confused as to why people would want to be in a relationship where there is more misery than excitement? more sadness than joy? more anger than love? i see around me, so many relationships that i just dont understand. i see tears cried. hear pain in voices. see unhappiness in faces. these people talk of leaving, but yet they dont. and everyday it is something. i just cant seem to wrap around what it is that keeps them there. i can understand years with someone and one scared to be start over. but when they endure so much, so much negativity, so much hurt, i dont understand. i cant understand.

so, does there come a point when advice should just stop being offered? i mean, when everyone's advice is the same to these particular people, but its never listened too, and they keep themselves in the situations...its exhausting to continue trying to help. you love these people so much it is just insane watching them be so miserable.

there is no perfect relationship. there are going to be bad days. its life. people get out of sync. its going to happen. but if i was in such a miserable situation; i would want to be happy. i would want to listen to the advice that so many friends offer and try to coordinate it into my life, to help. i would want the best life for me. i would want to be happy.

im so thankful for the relationship that i have. 10 years; i cannot believe it. it seems, seriously, like it was just yesterday. i was young, 19, nervously i was ready in my soft yellow GAP cardigan set and jeans, hair fixed perfectly, with soft curls...standing at the front door of my parents house listening for the camaro to come down the road...i heard it...ran inside and waited for him to knock. i opened the door and my heart melted. we had been talking/dating for over a month. we were going Christmas shopping in my town. my first local public appearance. it was great. i was so proud to be by his side. and to this day, i am still proud. more proud. totally in love. we get out of sync on days, just like everyone else does, but no matter what the day held, he cannot wait to walk thru that front door, everynight coming home from work, and hug me & kiss me like it's the first time he's saw me in days. all the simple, little things he does, that he knows will bring a smile to my face. holding hands at the mall; his touch, melts my heart still to this day. its love. im so happy. i just wish that everyone could have the love that we have. were not perfect; but our love is.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

it's beginning to look alot like christmas

my house looks, feels & smells like christmas. lacking gifts under the tree, it's perfect. im excited. i cried several times during the process; finding all the sweet ornaments the kids made us last Christmas, as well as the stockings; just broke my heart. i did hang thier stockings over off the book case. i couldnt bear to fold them and put them back in the box. hubby said maybe i shouldnt, that we need to let go, but he understands. i love him so.

as for gifts under the tree; were going small this year. i honestly thought about making a donation to the angel tree in honor of each family/friend we have to buy for. but, im sure the kids in the family & of our friends, would want more than a certificate. i get nervous this time of year. i have no idea what to get people. i seriously stress. any cute, cheap ideas for the kiddos; i would love to know.

this weekend was good. kendra's birthday friday. yesterday, went & saw becca. kris & i had dinner with jason. quick visit to mom & dads. out with mel & mick. today, cleaned. christmas decor out. we were suppose to go to the living christmas tree tonight in knoxville; but with several people sick and in the hospital...we choose not to go.

i go in for blood work tomorrow; i may cheat and see how much weight im down already. or i might stay strong and hold off to not weigh-in until my 3 week check-up. my appetite is very, very low. i feel great though. im happy. and still super excited.

i need your help!

im sad today. one of my greatest & bestest friends, of 16 years, is at the hospital right now, with her husband, 2 sisters and other family; while they wait anxiously to get news. good news...about her mother. i went and saw her yesterday and it broke my heart. she just lost her dad a little over a year ago and now, her mother, unexpectedly, is in ICU on life support. the doctors dont know what is wrong. she is unresponsive. please pray. please....

Friday, December 5, 2008

stage fright

today was the birthday, of one of my best friends. she turned 26. she is down and out, about being past 25...closer to 30. ive been there. i did the exact same thing. i felt the exact same way. however; this birthday i was excited to be turning 29 and looking forward to my 30th. it beats the alternative, right? she had her birthday at karaoke cafe, in sevierville. i, had been a major nerd and practiced several songs, off and on all week. i got there...and couldnt do it. o, i wanted too. such luck. maybe next time. definantly next time!

today was a good day. i got a bit flustered in walmart earlier; but other than that...i was fine. so i can say, day one of this new journey, was a success. i dont think i could've done better. i slept good. my appetite was very slim. i ate very little. eating only because i knew i needed too. definantly not because i wanted too. i cant wait to see how much im down by my 3 week check-up.

my hubby went bald. grrr. i wanted to get family photos made with my bro, sis n law & nieces & nephews. he wanted a hair cut, but i came home the other day, and he's buzzed cut. i was kind of aggrivated. but no big deal. it will grow back and we can get pictures made in the spring.
happy birthday kendra! i love you!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

i love....peaches!

the hubby & i went to pick up a friend's husband early, early this morning, from the knoxville greyhound station, on a surprise 10 day leave. he's been in training with the Army, since June. it was so awesome. after a 20 hour long, and now noted, very boring bus ride, we were met with a huge smile and happy to be home, hugs. the homecoming to his family was awesome. our surprise plan was sucessful.

today was a cold, rainy day. oddly, i love days like this. we rented a movie, just hung out. my dr's appointment today, went great. im so excited! i have a three week check-up, the week of Christmas. im nervous about this all. however; im sure far more excited. my original date was this monday, but i got lucky that my appointment got pushed forward, til today. i do have to go in monday for follow up blood work. i am tired. i hope i have a great, easy nights rest.

Infertility: Waiting on Baby

After 2 years of dating, Jay & I married in 2001. We knew we wanted children and started trying right away. By 2005, there were no babies. I made our first appointment with a local Fertility Specialist in the spring of 2005. Jay kindly donated a sperm sample and I went through a lovely physical exam. It was confirmed that I had Polycystic Ovaries (PCOS) and I was placed on Metformin. I was also given Provera to induce a cycle as well as Clomid, to start on cycle day 4. A few days passed and we received a call stating Jay's sperm count was negative; confused, I stopped Provera. Thinking the results were incorrect, we requested to be tested again through our PCP. Sadly, the test results came back the same. 

Jay was devastated; I was confused. This is where our journey began. The next few years we became foster parents to several precious children. During this time, I had the opportunity to stay at home with the children and 

The option that mostly interested me was the sperm exploratory retrieval surgery, for Jay. The goal would be to retrieve a few sperm then proceed with IVF. However, this procedure in addition to the In-Vitro, was insanely expensive; neither of which our insurance covered. Our next area of interest was embryo adoption. This was more so the outlet I wanted to purse, as both the egg and sperm would be adopted. The third option was sperm adoption and Inter-uterine Insemination (IUI). Jay, at this point - was more interested in this option, as my eggs would be used; this was totally his decision. 

After much prayer, we were led to start to officially start our journey.  

July 21, 2009:
Our first appointment was scheduled with a different Fertility Specialist than we first saw in 2005. It was confirmed that with a sperm count of zero, exploratory surgery wouldn't even be considered. Fortunately, we had earlier decided the direction we wanted to pursue and had identified the perfect donor. My Metformin was increased and I was to start Femara on cycle days 3-7. 
July 25, 2009:
Cycle day 1
July 27, 2009:
Started Femara thru Cycle day 7.
August 13, 2009:
Cycle day 16 ultrasound - 2 follies, 14 & 16
Trigger Shot in evening
August 16, 2009:
Our first IUI
September 2, 2009:
Beta - Negative
Started new cycle early AM.

Our second cycle was to begin in September, however an uncooperative work schedule interrupted the cycle day 16 ultrasound; so this month was not successful. At this time, we decided to wait until after the holidays and start again after the new year. 

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

baby its cold outside.....

but im loving it!!!!!!

im back home from kingston. ill return next week. mom & dad got the rest of their furniture today. which included their absolutely gorgeous bedroom suite. omgoodness; its breath taking. everything is breathtaking about that house. i cant wait for everyone to come to the open house; date to be determined. tonight is their first official night back home. i left around 7:00; they've been out for 6 months. this was a long, awaited day. i thought it best they be there alone, on their first night home.

im really worried about my dad. he goes for a catscan in the next few days, were awating on the appointment. please say prayers for him.

i cannot wait for all our social events coming up this month. i love when everyone gets together. i know we have got to make it to dollywood super soon, for the Christmas lights. normally cold dont bother me, but this year....i seem to be cold at all times. thank you retail america, for selling fuzzy & furry house shoes! i cannot live with out.

i want these! worn by solange knowles

im ready to re-do my kitchen. before mom & dad's house burnt, we had our kitchens decorated in italy. mine, is still in italy. but it makes me sad =( i recently got a red microwave. she bought me a red can opener. im asking for red dishes for Christmas, along with red kitchenaid cooking stuff. i love the silicone cookware. im not sure what theme yet...maybe a cafe theme? or a coffee shop them? i found a cool starbucks clock on ebay, i love. i dont really care for the fat chef stuff? ill have to continue my research. surprisingly so, during the research for decor for moms new kitchen...there wasnt alot of kitchen themes out there to choose from. any cute ideas, that incorporates red kitchen electronics and dishes; let me know. im open for suggestions.

about the Jay's.

Monday, December 1, 2008

monday, monday

yesterday, we got closure on something that we have been burdened with for going on 8 months now. although our hearts are still sad and feelings still involved; getting the opportunity to say what we needed to say, to the person we needed to say it too was what we needed. thank you good Lord, for letting us all be at the same place at the same time.

we got home yesterday to spend a few days here before we head back too kingston. i was sitting here last night, doing some online shopping and i realized that i hadnt thought once about putting up my tree, getting my decor out, hanging lights outside. normally, this is done the weekend after thanksgiving. i need to get with it. i guess being at mom & dads and excited about getting their house ready to move into and decoration there for Christmas; my priorities haven't been here. 2 more nights...then they move in. again, have i mentioned im super, duper, uber excited?

i watched the UT Football press conference earlier. im pumped!! his eagerness for the game. his new staff. the players. the UTK football program. im almost so excited i want to invest in season tickets for next year. good things await, im sure. i hope we hit it off right next season. time will tell. i will note i will miss phil. he was UT football. to note, i will follow the team phil goes too, if he does.

now, my fav band rev theory; are Hot! awesome! they totally rock! have u listened to them yet? if not,