Sunday, November 18, 2007

sniffles & kids

well, i have had a pretty yucky week. i started getting the sniffles and the sneezies last saturday and it just ended up kicking my butt this week. i still have a pretty yucky cough - but for the most part; am feeling a lot better [compared to sunday-friday].

not much really to write about this week. t-bug joined brownies [girl scouts]; which meets every 2 weeks on thursday. i thought this would give her opportunities to make some friends, outside her all boys class at school. she has a ceremony tomorrow...ive got a bet going with sweet hubby on how many times she will turn around and look at us during the program...i should walk away with about 25 bucks. =) they have several lock-ins planned; some trips - it should be good for her. she will be in the christmas parade this year...first time ever. she is excited. i called on her cheerleading, as i haven't heard anything since sign-ups. they said they are still putting the names in the computer as their turn out was huge; that i should hear something by the first week in january in regards to what squad she is on. the first game is i think january 8. thier practice is suppose to start the 2nd week in december, so we shall see. i am really excited about the cheerleading, as is she.

i met Con's- mom the first time this past thursday for a visit. she looks totally different than what i imagined and alot older than she is. i guess that's what happens when ur life is filled with drugs. she has supposivley been drug free since march of this year; her drug tests are [suppose] to be random, but are always done either the day before or on a visit...i guess if i was a druggie and knew when i was going to be tested, id be clean too. she was nice. had a nervous nature. picked at her food wierd. and did this weird thing with her mouth. wednesday night, i got a call late, from DCS...saying that she had very seriously talked about surrending her parental rights for he is in a good place. is happy. and doing well....and she doesnt want to take him out of that. so during the visit, she asked me alot of personal questions....if jamie and i were happy and loved each other. do we love connor. what church do we go to. etc...i happily answered. i think she is serious. it could happen as soon as 11/29, which is the court date for the kids. the father will be the next issue.

we have Con's brother here with us tonight. this is the first time i've ever met him. he is 8. he looks nothing like Con. and is nothing like Con. he is very whiney. [i fixed corn dogs for dinner. he wanted steak. therefore he didnt eat.] ummm, consistently tried to get Con in trouble. broke his toys. i wanted a sleep over to meet him and so Con could get a one on one visit; but i don't think i'm going to do it again. he doesn't need to bring Con down. it's complicated; unless u know the history there - it probably doesnt make since.

well, off to bed. church tomorrow. ceremony tomorrow. and one day away until little man starts back to pre-kindergarten. =) at last. at time at last =)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

progress made

well, good news to report. i made it to church sunday. it was the dedication service to the all newly remodeled church i grew up in. it is beautiful! i was so excited to see it - my parents put their all in helping see that it happened. i think the make over started in march or april of this year; so months of months of anticipation finally concluded; it's just so beautiful! now, i do need to make a side note...although i did go to church; between my kids and my baby cousin in the pew in front of us, [and my wandering eyes to see who was there] i didn't really get to listen to much of the service. the message was short and the dedication service longer; but i did go and i was uplifted by being there. can't wait to go back to my church - this sunday! the cool weather is arriving in east tennessee; im phening really, really bad to go clothes shopping. this is my absolute fav time of the year! coats, scarfs, boots, sweaters - yea, baby! so - this next week or so; [after our monthly financials are met] i hope to venture out and do a little retail therapy. i still haven't been to the new old navy up here yet- so i plan on hitting it first thing! the ross's here still hasn't opened yet; which i guess is a good thing, cause sales have been slow with the hubby lately - and i've had no extra mula to shop. point being, ross's is very dangerous. LOL

well - i found a new website. its got all these petitions going around america. i find it amusing so im gonna go browse around. hugs.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

im reaching for your hand, jesus

i was raised in church. from about the time i was 6 weeks old or so....up until i moved out on my own. i was there sunday mornings. nights. wednesday nights. was involved in the youth group, youth chior, puppet ministry, GA's, acteens, etc.....i loved it. we had a wonderful church and a wonderful church family. as i got older, and moved out...all the things in the world seemed to start taking importance over church. working. partying. friends. i would show up on occasion to a sunday morning service; but i think mostly on false pretences. it became so that when i would pray, big emphasis on "when I would", i felt so disconnected from God. although saved at a young age, i know i wasn't living the life that he would be proud of...after all, i wasn't proud of myself.

as i got older, my relationship with God grew stronger. i believe in him with my all, love him. praise him. give thanks to him....but still didn't attend church regulary. i was brought up that you must fellowship with other christians and lift up his husband believes that you don't have to attend regulary, [although he does like to go]...that it is your responsibility to maintain a strong relationship with God. i guess over the years - when i don't make it - his beliefs, although i don't agree, become my excuse. and i feel horrible.

when we got the kids this year...we started going to a church here in maryville, that i love. the pastor is amazing and his words always uplift and give the message from God. and again, after months of going morning. evening. wednesday. even helping in bible school; i fall back into my old ways again.i've prayed over and over get me out of this rountine that i fall into. i want to go to church...i think everyone needs to. every relationship needs it. and all must go to strenghten and maintain their relationship with our Lord Jesus. maybe i don't know how to pray. maybe my words are all wrong and by the time Jesus hears them, they make no sense and therefore he doesn't understand what i'm asking. or maybe im just saying the wrong words period; and my prayers aren't going to get answered. i pray daily. i feel connected with the Lord. and through my many sins and tribulations; i know he still loves me. i wish i could stop being a sinner. but i know we all do; i just hate letting him down.

i want to say thank you to 2 people who are in my life, who have witnessed to me; and i don't even think they know. my father got back into church 2-3 years ago. how that touched all of us. i believe through is renewed faith in God - it lead him through a surgery last year that we thought he wouldn't make it through. he has touched my life in so many ways. im so proud of him. although i might not often say "thank you enough" for the invitations to church. or the gentle "push alongs" to get back into church; it means so much to me. because of my daddy; i did renew my faith in christ. my friend amy; she recently started going back to church. i seen how happy she is and how dedicated they have become. i see postings off her webpage that are christ related; thank you for sharing these words with me. and also through your choice of music; i was able to hear the words of Christ. you introduced me to a side of music that I can relate too, that I had forgotten about.

i love my God. i love my Lord Jesus. i pray that my faith only gets stronger - and I will stop making excuses to get back into church. i don't know why I fall into these ruts....when I love him and love his word. I'm reaching for your hand, Jesus.......

Sunday, November 4, 2007

oh, what a day!

today has been crazy, seriously. i do sometimes tend to exgagerate a bit...but today, not so. my kids are bouncing off the wall. pouting. yelling. acting like they were raised by a back of wolves. [ok, in some form of explanation - im sure that is true] but today, they are just being plum 'trifflin'..................aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhh!


ok, got that out of the way.

oh, what a day! our lives have been freed of the drama I kind of touched on the last day or so. and it's such a relief. i hate loosing friends but ya know, i hate being brought down by such negative energies.

so, i raise my glass for a toast - to the true, wonderful friends i have. the new ones i will form. and to the old ones, well; best of luck to ya!

save the drama for your momma!

ok, in this case - not the fact. uugh! i have certain friends who surround themselves in drama, unwarranted drama, everyday. all the time. and although great to appeaze my gossip appetite, its annoying, disheartening, and well, depressing. ive recently kind of became annoyed by it all - and am going to be making some adjustments. believe me, as stressed as i normally am about something going on in my life, with the hubby or kiddos - i don't need anyone making my life more stressful. in fact - i don't need to be brought down at all.

we had a great weekend without the kids. friday, had a bit too much to drink. saturday, awesome date with the sweet hubby and i. and today, we've sat around gossiping about people and just hung out. its been so relaxing. ive sent some resumes out - think im ready to get back out there and jump back into my career. i'll keep u updated.

well, off to get the kids.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

i think i made a bad decision

i think the decision to keep con-man home from preschool, until we can locate one on this end of town, has been a mistake. i think his behaviors have gotten worse. let me rewind and fill you in.......

when we got him in late june; his personality was, and still is, very feminine. he loved barbies, princesses, girl wigs. i can understand some of the love for disney princesses, as my youngest nephew has a love for them too. but barbies, wigs and girl clothes - not normal to us. over the course of the last few months, Con - disclosed some information regarding his real dad. shocked, we immediatly saw the relationship of his past to his actions of current. we also know at the foster family he was with prior to us, he spent alot of time with their granddaughters. so i can see, plain and clear, why his actions often resemble that of a girls.

we have talked to him, over and over, telling him he is a little boy. boy's don't play with barbies. princesses. or wear wigs or girls clothes. we have worked so hard on 'manning' him up. we do discipline him when he falls into the girly behaviors. so he knows its wrong, and he will get into trouble. we talked to his pre-school acrosstown - and told them we do not want him to play with girl toys; as a state agency, they said, they cannot let all the other kids play with girl toys and dress up clothes, and not let Con- and no matter how much i argued that i did not want him playing dress up in a princess dress and running around chasing the other little girls for thier barbies - they said they couldn't single him out. so he started secretly telling me that he did play with girl stuff at school - but not at home, so he wouldn't get into trouble.....therapy was started on him, and he came home overally excited that he got to play with barbies in therapy!! and the same - no matter how much i express my concerns that i do not want him playing with GIRL THINGS. PERIOD. END OF STORY - it's apparantly irrelavent, because the therapist said that she told Con - that he could play with barbies in therapy, and therapy only. She wants to see if there is any signs of abuse that come out - talk about it. have him draw pictures. show him pictures. but leave the damn barbies out of it!!!! so now, he comes home excited that he got to play with barbies in therapy....

so i feel bad - was letting him go to preschool to play with other children, even with girly things, better than taking him out of the environment and giving him to much time on his hands - to were now he is sneaking and doing these things?????

the week after fall break; t-bug finally got transportation to school - so we kept Con- home until we could locate a school closer and one that would hopefully abide by our wishes. so for the last 2 weeks, when i get up; i have caught Con - in t-bugs room - with the hannah montana wig on....or with it out of the place it was when i sent her off to school. or he will run around with a robe on [his dress] and a shirt over his head; which is his long flowing girly hair or his hairbow [his response]. now he sneaks and does it. every opportunity he gets. we were on our way to kingston on Tuesday, and out of the blue he said, "i'm not a boy" stomach just sinks and my heart hurts.

this little boy has been damaged. damaged by a sorry, good for nothing, piece of scum man - who called himself, his dad. because of this sorry peice of trash and the things he did to Con - he thinks he is, acts like, and really wants to be a girl. i hope our prayers will be answered. i think, as now an adult, that i cannot remember anything from when i was 4, probably not really until like 6 or 7. so hopefully, if we can continue our efforts to 'man' him up and work with him on being a little boy - he will grow out of it and forget all of this!!!! oh, how i hope!!