im reaching for your hand, jesus

i was raised in church. from about the time i was 6 weeks old or so....up until i moved out on my own. i was there sunday mornings. nights. wednesday nights. was involved in the youth group, youth chior, puppet ministry, GA's, acteens, etc.....i loved it. we had a wonderful church and a wonderful church family. as i got older, and moved out...all the things in the world seemed to start taking importance over church. working. partying. friends. i would show up on occasion to a sunday morning service; but i think mostly on false pretences. it became so that when i would pray, big emphasis on "when I would", i felt so disconnected from God. although saved at a young age, i know i wasn't living the life that he would be proud of...after all, i wasn't proud of myself.

as i got older, my relationship with God grew stronger. i believe in him with my all, love him. praise him. give thanks to him....but still didn't attend church regulary. i was brought up that you must fellowship with other christians and lift up his name....my husband believes that you don't have to attend regulary, [although he does like to go]...that it is your responsibility to maintain a strong relationship with God. i guess over the years - when i don't make it - his beliefs, although i don't agree, become my excuse. and i feel horrible.

when we got the kids this year...we started going to a church here in maryville, that i love. the pastor is amazing and his words always uplift and give the message from God. and again, after months of going morning. evening. wednesday. even helping in bible school; i fall back into my old ways again.i've prayed over and over again...to get me out of this rountine that i fall into. i want to go to church...i think everyone needs to. every relationship needs it. and all must go to strenghten and maintain their relationship with our Lord Jesus. maybe i don't know how to pray. maybe my words are all wrong and by the time Jesus hears them, they make no sense and therefore he doesn't understand what i'm asking. or maybe im just saying the wrong words period; and my prayers aren't going to get answered. i pray daily. i feel connected with the Lord. and through my many sins and tribulations; i know he still loves me. i wish i could stop being a sinner. but i know we all do; i just hate letting him down.

i want to say thank you to 2 people who are in my life, who have witnessed to me; and i don't even think they know. my father got back into church 2-3 years ago. how that touched all of us. i believe through is renewed faith in God - it lead him through a surgery last year that we thought he wouldn't make it through. he has touched my life in so many ways. im so proud of him. although i might not often say "thank you enough" for the invitations to church. or the gentle "push alongs" to get back into church; it means so much to me. because of my daddy; i did renew my faith in christ. my friend amy; she recently started going back to church. i seen how happy she is and how dedicated they have become. i see postings off her webpage that are christ related; thank you for sharing these words with me. and also through your choice of music; i was able to hear the words of Christ. you introduced me to a side of music that I can relate too, that I had forgotten about.

i love my God. i love my Lord Jesus. i pray that my faith only gets stronger - and I will stop making excuses to get back into church. i don't know why I fall into these ruts....when I love him and love his word. I'm reaching for your hand, Jesus.......