i think i made a bad decision

i think the decision to keep con-man home from preschool, until we can locate one on this end of town, has been a mistake. i think his behaviors have gotten worse. let me rewind and fill you in.......

when we got him in late june; his personality was, and still is, very feminine. he loved barbies, princesses, girl wigs. i can understand some of the love for disney princesses, as my youngest nephew has a love for them too. but barbies, wigs and girl clothes - not normal to us. over the course of the last few months, Con - disclosed some information regarding his real dad. shocked, we immediatly saw the relationship of his past to his actions of current. we also know at the foster family he was with prior to us, he spent alot of time with their granddaughters. so i can see, plain and clear, why his actions often resemble that of a girls.

we have talked to him, over and over, telling him he is a little boy. boy's don't play with barbies. princesses. or wear wigs or girls clothes. we have worked so hard on 'manning' him up. we do discipline him when he falls into the girly behaviors. so he knows its wrong, and he will get into trouble. we talked to his pre-school acrosstown - and told them we do not want him to play with girl toys; as a state agency, they said, they cannot let all the other kids play with girl toys and dress up clothes, and not let Con- and no matter how much i argued that i did not want him playing dress up in a princess dress and running around chasing the other little girls for thier barbies - they said they couldn't single him out. so he started secretly telling me that he did play with girl stuff at school - but not at home, so he wouldn't get into trouble.....therapy was started on him, and he came home overally excited that he got to play with barbies in therapy!! and the same - no matter how much i express my concerns that i do not want him playing with GIRL THINGS. PERIOD. END OF STORY - it's apparantly irrelavent, because the therapist said that she told Con - that he could play with barbies in therapy, and therapy only. She wants to see if there is any signs of abuse that come out - talk about it. have him draw pictures. show him pictures. but leave the damn barbies out of it!!!! so now, he comes home excited that he got to play with barbies in therapy....

so i feel bad - was letting him go to preschool to play with other children, even with girly things, better than taking him out of the environment and giving him to much time on his hands - to were now he is sneaking and doing these things?????

the week after fall break; t-bug finally got transportation to school - so we kept Con- home until we could locate a school closer and one that would hopefully abide by our wishes. so for the last 2 weeks, when i get up; i have caught Con - in t-bugs room - with the hannah montana wig on....or with it out of the place it was when i sent her off to school. or he will run around with a robe on [his dress] and a shirt over his head; which is his long flowing girly hair or his hairbow [his response]. now he sneaks and does it. every opportunity he gets. we were on our way to kingston on Tuesday, and out of the blue he said, "i'm not a boy"......my stomach just sinks and my heart hurts.

this little boy has been damaged. damaged by a sorry, good for nothing, piece of scum man - who called himself, his dad. because of this sorry peice of trash and the things he did to Con - he thinks he is, acts like, and really wants to be a girl. i hope our prayers will be answered. i think, as now an adult, that i cannot remember anything from when i was 4, probably not really until like 6 or 7. so hopefully, if we can continue our efforts to 'man' him up and work with him on being a little boy - he will grow out of it and forget all of this!!!! oh, how i hope!!