the rest of the story.....

Other than the obvious reason of wanting to loose weight, be healthy, have an explosion of self-esteem, wear cute clothes....the main reason of wanting to get the band was to aid in our fertility treatments.

Married 10 years this coming April, we became curious as to why we weren't with baby in the summer of 2005. I made mention to my PCP and she recommended we see a Fertility Specialist (Reproductive Endocrinologist - RE). Fortunately, we have a RE locally that is one of the best in the nation and although it took several months to get an appointment, we thought it was well worth the wait. Appointment 1: I was quickly diagnosed with PCOS, placed on Clomid to assist with egg development and ovulation and the hubbs was given a semen analysis. Two days later, I get a call telling me to discontinue the Clomid as the analysis came back reflecting zero sperm. We instantly went into denial; the test was corrupt. 2 years and 3 foster kids later, he decided to re-take the test. We went, he did, they called; zero. zilch. nada. I remember wiping the tears away from his shattered face as he faintly whispered, "I'm not even a man. A man could give my wife children. I'm a total failure". 

During the two years it took to face a second test, several things occurred. 

1. We became foster parents. We had 3 precious children over the course of 20 months. We were so blessed having made this decision and to become a part of their lives. Unfortunately, as foster parenting goes, it's not always permanent. It was an emotional hell and we still have moments of weakness. We loved them so. 

2. We realized why it took two years to re-test. Although I was ready to test instantly and we both just knew the results were product of a corrupt test, he couldn't get past the possibility of it being true. We were told during this time that there were exploratory procedures available to a) see if there was blockage preventing sperm to produce in the semen or b) to manually attempt to retrieve sperm - if just one, which could be used in IVF. He wasn't open to either, and reluctantly I supported him. I began wandering why he was being selfish. It's been two years...there are tests that could possibly be the answers to our prayers, there are procedures, there is hope; why in the world is he not moving forward with decisions. Wanting a child so bad, I assume these feelings were natural. Looking back it angers me I ever felt this way.

After the children left in September 2008 and we had the results of the second analysis; I began to research. I spent days and nights reading and hoping there was something; something - that would work and that we could afford; IVF wasn't financially an option. It was around this time I discovered Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) and Sperm Adoption. We quickly discussed and made a decision - this was it! 

A few weeks later, my neighbor of 4 years announced her pregnancy in early 2009. After congratulating her, it was revealed that her pregnancy was result of IUI - Intrauterine Insemination; Femara and Stimming (Fertility Shots). She got her positive on her 5th IUI. She gave me the name of her RE and I called. The procedure, affordable. The success rate, wonderful with PCOS patients. I quickly made an appointment and was connected with their Cryobank the same day. Although the initial reaction of having to use a cryobank, aka - sperm donation, was unsettling, the process has been smooth, reassuring and an answered prayer. We spent countless hours matching donor demographics to my husbands; we identified the perfect donor. 

Our appointment was late June, our first IUI in August. We have since had 3 failed IUI's; although I responded the best with my last treatment. With PCOS - I don't ovulate on my own or produce quality eggs. Weight plays a huge factor; which brings me to where we are now.

We've had such an emotional journey. 

I was banded September 22; what an answered prayer. 

The reasons for me lie so much deeper than the superficial reasons of wanting to loose weight; It's our hope. This could be the thing that could aid in the successful conception of a precious child...our child. 

I find so much encouragement and inspiration through all your lovely blogs. I know this band will work and I pray, pray, pray the weight loss will be the one thing that will get our big fat positive!

I couldn't even start to describe how anxiously excited I am to have started on this journey....I have 6 months to loose 65 lbs; I.own.this.  

♥

Guess what?

Today is my birthday. I can't believe I am 31. It seems just like yesterday, I was counting the seconds until my 18th birthday, ready to take on the world as an adult. I thought I knew everything, yet was so innocent, so ignorant, so not ready. I stumbled a few times before I got the whole adult thing down and since have had a pretty lovely, simple life. Turning 30 last year brought lots of change for me, personally speaking. I learnt to be strong, stay strong, and let go. I've learned who the true people are in my world and I've learned to love wholly, including myself. I've always struggled with confidence and up until this past year it effected so many areas of my life; nothing major but some struggles here and there. I have a few more things I need to tweak and get down pat; those are works in process. I'm looking forward to the future. Here's wishing for skinny and babies within my next year of life.

I am little over a week post-op and things are slowly falling into what I would assume to be bandster hell?The last several days, eating slow I can keep it all down. I'm eating more than I know I should be and what I'll be able to with restriction. I have had some restriction but not like it should be. I've had a stuck episode once; it was painful. Eating slowly and chewing, chewing, chewing is a work in progress but getting better each day and I should be totally in habit by my first fill, which will be October 20th. Question: How many cc's were your first fill? How many fills did you get before you felt restriction?


On a yucky note, my first goal was to be down to 235 today. I didn't make it. The culprit? Since the pre-op liquid diet, I am having terrible problems with bowel movements. I've been going once per week, with aid of a laxative. To much information, I know and I apologize, anyone else have this problem?


I'm loving the fall weather and am looking forward to the lovely events that will soon be popping up for the seasons ahead. I'm ready to bring out the fall decor, light some yummy candles and enjoy some cider.

little successes.

Aaah, head hunger. I had never heard of this little concept, until a few short weeks ago.Thankfully, I now know how to and am so far doing well in conquering this little rascal. We went over for a quick visit to my in-laws last night. We walk in and she is serving up homemade kraut w/ weenies, beans, mashed potatoes and cornbread. Before my mouth floods with desire for this unbelievably delicious southern cooked meal, I catch myself studying my stomach; nope - not hungry. nope - not good for me. nope - not liquids. As hard, hard, so incredibly hard to have an hour visit and walk out with out even a nibble, was a huge victory for me.

I eat lunch with 2-3 other people, daily. I've stayed strong to my shakes, sugar free Jello-o's, applesauces and teas and broths. Having to sit and watch them eat the fattening goodness has been so terribly hard for me; when we've done it since day 1. Today was chinese takeout; another success. It's the hardest to sit through the agonizing i want to eat that's but once I make it through, I'm sure like so many others it's such a victory and a tremendous sense of accomplishment. Through this short journey, I've sadly realized that I was officially addicted to food. Like an old nasty drug, I couldn't wait to get my next fix. It makes me sad that I consumed so much time eating and thinking about eating and to go even further, not holding myself accountable for what I was eating. Oy! 

The new me is coming together nicely. I can say shedding all the bad decisions over the last week, I've found some new energy! We are going to tour the Hospital's Wellness Center this afternoon; I get a free 6-month membership post-op and a hubby pass ($27/mo), as well as a nutritional plan/evaluation and 3-free personal training sessions. Jay has lost -14lbs. since we began this journey; he is a trooper and the best support person a girl could ask for!

I think for my birthday, which is coming up in 19 days, I may ask for a bicycle. Wow! Me? a bicylce? never thunk it.

Did you tell?

I'm typically not a bragger, but having a perfect weekend strictly on my liquids I couldn't help but give myself a little shout-out. I don't recall a Friday or Saturday in history that we haven't ate out or been invited to eat with friends. I was super nervous heading into the weekend since after all, going cold-turkey to liquids only has been a huge adjustment. But, it's been a success! Also, my sweet husband has been so amazingly supportive and is still walking side by side with me during this phase. Last night, we made a quick trip to our local GNC and found a yummy Banana Cream Isolated Protein shake mix; yum. yum. yummy! We both got snazzy shake cups and also a new blender with a smoothie setting. Today's shakes have been the best yet!

With just a few days away until surgery, I am still on the fence about telling people. Quick recap; I've told my parents, parents-n-law, 1 co-worker and 3 of my close friends. I don't really have any reasons not too tell people, but am having a hard time doing so. I'm curious, who did you tell? When? What were their reactions? I'm doing this for me, for my health and for our fertility. I guess somewhere deep inside, I worry that people will think this is an easy way out. For those, they really have no idea how uneasy this is and is going to be; but people have their minds made up. Unfortunately, I'm kind of one of those girls who fall victim to caring way to much of what others think.

Hoping everyone has had a wonderful weekend! We've done mostly errands, cleaned the vehicles, and are now nestled in for the evening watching college football. [go vols!]

it's beginning to look alot like fall.

Which just happens to be my most favorite time of the year. As I type, I notice the trees outside my office window are changing colors; beautiful! We've had such a hot, hot summer. The cooler mornings and evenings are such a welcomed change. I have a closet full of cute scarves I cannot wait to wear; I have a zillion scarves. I just love 'em. I acutally love fall/winter clothes the most. [looking forward to smaller jeans this season]

My birthday is a few weeks away; October 3. I'll be 31this year; it was a great year. Probably the best I have had since I turned 21. I think the twenties were for learning and thirties you take what you learned, and live. They say fourties are spectacular; I'll take thier word for it....I don't want to rush life to get there. I wanted to do a hot-air balloon for my big day; but I dunno - I think I may be a bit too chicken for that.

Speaking of birthday; I got an early present on Monday. We bought a Jeep last year and still had my Altima we bought in '02. I l.o.v.e.d that car. But, in it's old age it continued to show more and more signs of it's 190k miles and we were driving it less and less, putting more miles on the Jeep. So sadly, we let it go. I hope we get the life and mileage out of our new car; I love VW's and have wanted one for a long, long time. Happy Birthday to me!