Saturday, October 23, 2010

the rest of the story.....

Other than the obvious reason of wanting to loose weight, be healthy, have an explosion of self-esteem, wear cute clothes....the main reason of wanting to get the band was to aid in our fertility treatments.

Married 10 years this coming April, we became curious as to why we weren't with baby in the summer of 2005. I made mention to my PCP and she recommended we see a Fertility Specialist (Reproductive Endocrinologist - RE). Fortunately, we have a RE locally that is one of the best in the nation and although it took several months to get an appointment, we thought it was well worth the wait. Appointment 1: I was quickly diagnosed with PCOS, placed on Clomid to assist with egg development and ovulation and the hubbs was given a semen analysis. Two days later, I get a call telling me to discontinue the Clomid as the analysis came back reflecting zero sperm. We instantly went into denial; the test was corrupt. 2 years and 3 foster kids later, he decided to re-take the test. We went, he did, they called; zero. zilch. nada. I remember wiping the tears away from his shattered face as he faintly whispered, "I'm not even a man. A man could give my wife children. I'm a total failure". 

During the two years it took to face a second test, several things occurred. 

1. We became foster parents. We had 3 precious children over the course of 20 months. We were so blessed having made this decision and to become a part of their lives. Unfortunately, as foster parenting goes, it's not always permanent. It was an emotional hell and we still have moments of weakness. We loved them so. 

2. We realized why it took two years to re-test. Although I was ready to test instantly and we both just knew the results were product of a corrupt test, he couldn't get past the possibility of it being true. We were told during this time that there were exploratory procedures available to a) see if there was blockage preventing sperm to produce in the semen or b) to manually attempt to retrieve sperm - if just one, which could be used in IVF. He wasn't open to either, and reluctantly I supported him. I began wandering why he was being selfish. It's been two years...there are tests that could possibly be the answers to our prayers, there are procedures, there is hope; why in the world is he not moving forward with decisions. Wanting a child so bad, I assume these feelings were natural. Looking back it angers me I ever felt this way.

After the children left in September 2008 and we had the results of the second analysis; I began to research. I spent days and nights reading and hoping there was something; something - that would work and that we could afford; IVF wasn't financially an option. It was around this time I discovered Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) and Sperm Adoption. We quickly discussed and made a decision - this was it! 

A few weeks later, my neighbor of 4 years announced her pregnancy in early 2009. After congratulating her, it was revealed that her pregnancy was result of IUI - Intrauterine Insemination; Femara and Stimming (Fertility Shots). She got her positive on her 5th IUI. She gave me the name of her RE and I called. The procedure, affordable. The success rate, wonderful with PCOS patients. I quickly made an appointment and was connected with their Cryobank the same day. Although the initial reaction of having to use a cryobank, aka - sperm donation, was unsettling, the process has been smooth, reassuring and an answered prayer. We spent countless hours matching donor demographics to my husbands; we identified the perfect donor. 

Our appointment was late June, our first IUI in August. We have since had 3 failed IUI's; although I responded the best with my last treatment. With PCOS - I don't ovulate on my own or produce quality eggs. Weight plays a huge factor; which brings me to where we are now.

We've had such an emotional journey. 

I was banded September 22; what an answered prayer. 

The reasons for me lie so much deeper than the superficial reasons of wanting to loose weight; It's our hope. This could be the thing that could aid in the successful conception of a precious child...our child. 

I find so much encouragement and inspiration through all your lovely blogs. I know this band will work and I pray, pray, pray the weight loss will be the one thing that will get our big fat positive!

I couldn't even start to describe how anxiously excited I am to have started on this journey....I have 6 months to loose 65 lbs; I.own.this.  


  1. You DO own this, my friend! And, know that I am praying for you and your husband that all things work for you. I thank you for sharing your story. Know that you have friends here who are supporting you and caring for you throughout your entire journey...

    You're doing GREAT! Now get back to that 65!!

  2. Yep: you do OWN.THIS.
    That is the way to consider it, and you will do terrifically well. Just remember: be kind to yourself-- losing this weight is a journey, not a destination!

  3. I know all to well how you feel! Different situations but same results are wanted. Of course healthy and thin would be a fantastic out come but a child is what we want. You do own this. I know you can do it and I am excited to watch your journey just as I am hopeful of my own! Thank you for sharing. Makes me feel that we aren't alone! Not that these girls in blog world ever make me feel alone!

  4. My heart goes out to you guys. Congratulations on your new band and you can reach your goal! Just follow the band rules, and you will succeed!

  5. Wow. You're amazing! Congrats on your new band. I just know it will work for you!

  6. Congrats on being banded and taking control!

    Thank you for being a foster parent too!

  7. Hi nikki -- thanks so much for visiting my blog, and what an inspiring post!

  8. I am so sorry this has been so hard for you! You are an amazing person, taking care of your foster kids and soldiering forward to become a mom. It is worth it, and I have every confidence you will get there.

    Congrats on getting the band, it is the best thing ever.

  9. Thanks for having the courage to post this. We also are struggling with my pcos and hoping to have children as a result of me being healthier, happier and more able!!


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