new years resolutions; my completed list!

ok, continues from a blog a few weeks ago, i am now able to list all of my resolutions for this year. and this year, i am going to stick with them. because i think these will provide structure to me...in which i need. having kids this year, i lost me, and i am excited about getting me back!! so, here's to you, year 2008!!

previously recorded:

1. become organized.
back when jamie and i got married and moved into a townhouse; i was the martha stewart of our complex. everything had a tote. with a label. and its own place, nestled snuggly by another, all cozy in a closet. if i needed something, i knew exactly where it was. i had decor for all seasons and holidays. i had wrapping paper/gift bags for every occassion. over the years and through our moves from maryville to kingston, and back. ive became a pack rat. not in the terms of i keep everything because i cant live without it. but it the terms of nothing has a place anymore. i cant find anything…its either in a closet, somewhere in my house. in the attic. under a bed. in the garage. its a domestic nightmare. so, my first new years resolution for 2008, is to become organized again.

2. pay it off!
i hate debt. probably more than the next person. not only does it prevent me from snatching up every pair of cute and perfect shoes i find but it prevents me from being free from worry. i hate the pressure of knowing you owe somebody, somewhere, something…..i want to be debt free. so, my second new years resolution, is to pay it off!

3. keep my schedule.
im the world’s worst about making plans with someone, rather it be to meet with my dr, family or friends; and canceling. if the slightest thing comes up, that might make me rushed in the teeniest, tiniest amount; i’ll cancel. honestly, i think being a stay at home mom this year, turned me into a homebody. and i come up with every excuse not to leave my house. i seriously hate that about myself. i think the lack of my social life this year, was (whispering in a very, very low tone, “my”) fault. so, in 2008 - if i make plans with someone. they will be kept. i want to be a dependable friend. i always have been, but my recent track record has stunk! so, my third resolution in 2008, keep my schedule!

4. eat less. excercise more
as always, i couldn’t make my list complete, without this one. what new year’s resolution list doesn’t have these goals? weight watchers has done so very well for me in the past. i want to find a buddy to got to meetings with again. excercise with. the moral support is a must for me to succeed. so my 4th and final resolution is too eat less/excercise more!
newly added

5. let it go!
the older i get, the more i see the 'cook' blood come to my surface. im quick tempered. have horrible road rage [and store rage]. so this year, im going to just let things go! im not going to be bothered by all the silly stuff that this year, really got to me. i'm going to let kids be kids. poor drivers, drive around me. crazy shoppers, go right on ahead......this will help me develop a more positive attitude. in which i need!

6. i wanna talk about me, i wanna talk about I.....
this year, i am going to find myself again. over the past few years, actually, ive lost it. but i am going to aim to please myself this year. bubble baths. pedicures. manicures. shopping. shoes. trips w/ my girls.....they will all be added back into my schedule!

7. Just a closer walk with thee
last, but definantly not least, is my relationship with the Lord. "Through me, all things are possible". I know strengthening my relationship with my Lord....the above 5 will fall right into place.

now, although this would appear to be a pretty lengthy list, exspecially to most people.....these are definantly resolutions that i need. i am excited about a fresh new start....and this year is going to be the best i've ever had.

our first year as mr. & mrs. claus

what a joy! the excitement in these children could never be given justice by a cheesy blog, or a phone convo for that matter. i remember as a child i was so excited...but i don't think i had anything on these children. it was such a blessing to give these children a Christmas like they had never known. to build up santa coming was so much fun and to see the looks on their faces when they got us up super early in the morning; to see what he had left them. we had a wonderful christmas! we were all blessed this year and I can't wait to do it all over next year!

wrapping paper bites

note to self: with the new additions to our family this year; i wanted to use Christmasy wrapping paper that was cute for kids...shrek. spongebob. etc. never again!! now...in the past i always loved wrapping presents; because it was just jamie and i. but wrapping for 4? noppers. never again. it was horrible. so next year, say hello to gift bags and gift boxes.

blue, blue, blue christmas

i love christmas! it really does put a feeling in the air that gives me the warm cozies! growing up, i had a wonderful childhood. although as i got older, i showed out a bit too much, but younger years - it was great. my mom and dad always made our christmas's wonderful! the tree was beautiful. daddy decorated the house with lights. we would have these big dinners and both mamaw's houses. my brother and i would always wake up super early to open gifts....and then i would call my cousin first thing to tell of what we got. i miss the close christmas's like we had...now, everyone has grown up. has their own families. their own children. i guess im like my momma, i hate change!

another thing that saddens me is not being in the house i grew up in. see, back when jamie and i got married, we moved to kingston, shortly after, to live in my granny's house on the lake. during that time, mom and dad decided to sale the property and buy them a new house...in which we were going to buy thier house...the house i grew up in. all was going according to plan. property sold. new house bought. but then it fell through due to selfish, cruel people in my family [aunt/uncle]. i was hurt. no, no...we were crushed. how could they take something away from that was going to be ours....how could they hurt thier sister like that. and how could the mom stand for it?? for years, i've had anger. so much anger. it's always been kind of a unmentioned thing.....what happened, happened. and that's enough said about it. but that's not how it should be. because now - my aunt's daughter is living in my uncles house....right next door to the house that we were suppose to get. the same DAMN situtation. but it's alright for little precious and her hubby to live there. i know some things u are suppose to let go and move on, exspecially when it comes to your family....but this was just vad!. my teenage years, i lived with them trying to overpower everyone and dictating what i should/shouldn't do. they are mean. plain mean. no one EVER apologized for what happened. no one. and now I am suppose to go there, with a smile on my face? it's hard. so hard. me and hubby were hurt very bad. something from my parents was going to be given to us...and it was all taken away, while my parents were doubled screwed in the process! it's just not fair! i pray that these feelings go away - but it's been 6 years and they haven't. karma's a bitch; they will get theirs. im sure of it. family or not.

weirdest, weirdo dream...EVER!

ok, im the queen of weird dreams. but the dream i had friday night was LuDaCruS!! im not going to go into details of the dream....because it would take forever to include ever single weird detail. but why does one dream so crazy? i hadn't taken any medicine, which sometimes contributes. i have a reoccuring dream often, well, acutally hadn't had it in a long time....but have had it for years. it is weird too. and when i wake up, they seemso real. like i have to grab on to jamie to make sure he is ok, the same with my doggie dustee. i tell ya what; im glad no one knows all my dreams, because i would for sure be labeled a fruit cake! ha! does anyone else have crazy dreams?

happy jolly holidays

well, i had an interview today. the first interview ive went on since i took time off last november. i must say it went well...there was one question i wished i would've answered a bit differently; but that aside it went well. i should know in the next week or so. ill keep you posted. our holidays are shaping up wonderfuly. although i haven't started at all on christmas shopping yet, yes...you just read that right, our tree is up, our stockings, my beautiful decor. my calendar is filled with social events for the season. im so excited. i need to make plans with amy then i will have done something with all my friends for christmas. it's the holidays that always puts things in perspective. i am blessed with some truley amazing friends. im very thankful.

he ruffled my tail feather

well, after a conversation between me and [at this time] not so sweet hubby had last night, it was brought to me attention that no one can do anything right, in my eyes. as he was talking, a my head just lay there on his shoulder....a tear formed and dropped on my cheek...then ran across me nose. i finally turned over - because at this point, i hadn't said anything and didnt feel it to be in my best interest if i did. so i rolled over, hugged my pillow and just continued to listen....when he then said, "see now ive either hurt your feelings or ive pissed you off; i should've kept my mouth shut." i sat up, turned to look at him and said, "im glad you told me, but if i just sat and said the things to you, that you just told me, you wouldve had your feelings hurt also". i turned my light off, scooted as far away from him as i could, before a limb would have to dangle off the bed, and laid my head down".

i didn't sleep good. i couldn't cuddle with him; trying to stand what little ground i had in the whole convo. i constantly woke up to see if he was still in bed.

as morning rolled around.....the same thoughts that i had fallen asleep with, hadn't escaped me. ya know what. i do nag. im a nagger. because i have to constantly walk behind everyone and re-do everything they've done. or constantly re-tell everyone what they need to do, again, for the 1 millionth time. and yes, whatever they do most of the time don't please me, because they half-ass do it. they hurry through it - so they can hurry and get back to doing what they want. clarity: yes i know i am a stay at home mom for now, and keeping the house clean and all is my main responsibility.....but damnit, im not going to do it all. i shouldn't have to walk behind each and everyone of them and pick up after them. there is a dishwasher for dirty dishes. hampers for dirty clothes. closets for shoes and clean clothes. a place for towels when your done with them. cabinets and a fridge for you to put food back, your done eating. toys boxes for toys when your done playing. toolboxes for tools when your done working....my list could go on and on. so yes, i appreciate him sitting there telling me what a nagging bitch i can be- but i wouldn't be - if they would DO thier damn part.

Con - i don't mind picking up after him - he's 4 and makes very little messes. but as for tbug and hubby; im over it! and it really gets under myskin when he gets on to her for not picking up after herself; he's worse than she is.

i know i got this from my momma. although, maybe not to the extent i take it. but i live in a nice house. with nice things. and i want them to be taken care of so they can last until i want newer things. im not their slave. im not their maid. im his wife. their mother. im not treated like it at all. im so fed up with being taken for granted; and then being sat and told it's my fault.

shouldnt i feel different?

we had a visit yesterday with tbug's bio mom; in which she delivered news, aparantly to her...good news, by her words and body language, that she was going to be surrendering her parental rights during court, which is the 19th of this month. my first reaction was, well, speechless. after a moments silence, i did muster out a why? why did you decome to this decision. she further explained that she knew she wasnt going to get tbug back. and that her and her attorney had discussed in depth and with the issue tbug and her bio brother has, it just isnt going to happen. after the looong 2 hour visit; i came to the conclusion that her new life, with her new 'man' and her new friends had a major impact on her decision. i left the visit with very mixed emotions. not only mixed because i don't think the bio mom is doing this for the reason's she claimed [in a good home, best life for her, etc...] but for her new life with her new flava of the month and his kids. but very mixed emotions on if i actually want to adopt tbug. we got her march 27th of this year. the first 2 weeks of having her - i was very overwhelmed and wandered what the hell did we just get ourselves into. she was very mean. very, very mean. as time played it's course, she got comfortable with living with us. she calmed down. and jamie and i had derailed the focus of her therapists to place her in a residential treatment facility. we thought at the time she just needed love. lots of love. structure. discipline. over the past 8 months, she had changed. she doesn't hit or kick anymore. she does play alone now, and with toys. [and there were days i thought that would never happen]. but tantrums are still daily. anytime you ask her to do anything that she doesnt want to do. everyday it's like starting over and getting her for the first time. she has maybe a handful of responsibilites - alot less im sure than most 8 year old's...but she never does them. never without confrontations. if u would've asked me 5 months ago - we would have adopted her in a seconds time. but now...seeing how she really hasn't changed. but only gotten worse, if anything, on top of becoming very manipulative and deceiving, i don't know really how to feel. or what to do. her dad, although she hasn't seen him since she was 3, is still out there, somewhere; so this is still a long book yet to be finished.....but just the feelings i felt when her mom said, "i want you to adopt her". i wasn't thrilled. i wanted to say, "why? why do you want that? you really need to focus on getting thru your perm plan". although i would never want her to go back home to that crazy women....i just don't think we are the people to raise a very damaged, not broken, 8 year old with 4th generation mental illness and schizophrenia. she already talks of voices she hears that tells her to do bad things....im sorry, i don't want to be a vicitim to a child i love, when she's laying over me in the hospital bed saying, "i didn't mean to stab you mom, but my bad voice told me too". and yes, it's like that. she can say some pretty far out things.

jamie and i are so confused. we've had her for so long. she loves us. wants to live with us forever. and we love her. i think we are leaning more torward the hope that there are other parents out there, better qualified to deal with this. one's who have more patients to deal with this crazy behavior. but...on the other hand, if she was my child. my bio child that i carried for 9 months - and had these problems, it would be our burdens to deal with. to love her no matter what. were so confused. i feel she brings us down. connor down. she acts out so much. no one knows. they see the taylor she is in public...not the one we go thru struggle after struggle with. the one who, after 8 months, doesn't seem like she cares at all - even though we know she loves us.

shouldn't i feel different? im so stressed. i need my girls. a bottle of something. and some music.

upset stomach, turkey, hannah montana & a runny nose

if sung to the tune of the "pepto bismol" jingle, one could chuckle. =)

ok. well the week before thanksgiving was rather yucky. i got my seasonal respitory junk and was down for like over a week and a half. i had it bad this year. my cough was just horrible. and as for a runny nose...it totally amazes me how much snot one can produce. its simply a mystery. so thanksgiving week was wonderful, except, i kind of passed my congestion onto sweet hubby. he had it a bit worse than i did, i think - but it was over with in 3 days. my immune system isnt as strong as his and so im pitiful longer.

the saturday after turkey day, i woke up and had a stomach bug. actually - 5-6 peeps in my family had the stomach bug that weekend. and although nothing would stay down and i was completly misserable; the hannah montana w/ the jonas brothers concert prevailed. i went with my 12 yo niece. it was hilarious. after the concert - i wandered really if i acted that way before, during, and after the NKOTB concert. im sure i did. i made it thru w/o a headache and my hearing was still in tact. she had the time of her life. i was so glad she wanted me, the cool aunt, to take her! =)

nick jonas

nick jonas/ hannah montanta

a stroll down memory lane

i was getting down my christmas decor a few days ago, when i came across a clear, smaller sized, blue rubbermaid box. the size of a cereal box. its contents had escaped me...so i rush to my room. shut the door. and sit on my bed. i knew it was something from my past. my childhood, past. i opened up slowly; yet anxiously....and it was cassette tapes. cassette tapes from my teenage years. tapes of songs i'd sing with my family in church. some of recordings of the radio. but several of tapes i had recorded of myself singing karaoke. i got so excited. i rushed out of my room into the kids room; looking for a tape player. i found one....the batteries were dead. i found another one...batteries dead. plug in cord couldn't be found. by now - 15-20 minutes had passed. i had tried everything. taking the batteries out, switching their location...in hopes that it would find enough charge to play the tapes. no luck. i knew there was a 3rd tape player the kids had. but they didnt have it. they couldn't find it. i was getting frustrated. the evening continued...i had put the tapes back up in the closet. i proceeded to do clean. get out decor. do laundry....and aah haa...there was the 3rd tape player...sitting in the laundry closet. so again, i rushed to get the tapes. got the tape player. and sat down at the island in the kitchen.......within moments, i swear it felt like I had drifted away. seriously. it got so quiet - except for the sound of the music on the tape. the music was me....me when i was 15 or 16. singing away. tears began to stroll down my face. i couldn't move. it was seriously the wierdest thing i had ever experienced. i was lost for 20 or 30 minutes. just listening to me. me back when life was so simple. back when i lived at home. with my mom, dad and brother. back when i had to worries, except for what to wear the next day at school, if my crush caught me staring or what we were going to do friday night.......how life was so simple. so amazingly wonderful. so innocent. after i came back to reality...i called my mom. and let her listen to the tapes; how she remembered the hours and hours i spent singing in my room. i was going to be the next mariah carey, ya know!

if i knew then - what i know now.....how things would've been different. first of all, i would've made so much more out of growing up in the 80s. how cool is that. i would've stayed focused on my music. and i would've stayed more simple. i was so simple. now, im so high maintenance, i exaust myself.

anywho, it was such a great memory. im so glad i found those old tapes. im so glad i got to take a stroll down memory lane.

i've already been thinking

...about the new year. and about my goals for the next year.

normally, they are the same. loose weight. exercise. buy less shoes. but this next year, im doing a make-over; of me. kind of going with, "gettin' things straight in 2008". so, here is an advanced copy of my new years resolutions for 2008:

1. become organized.
back when jamie and i got married and moved into a townhouse; i was the martha stewart of our complex. everything had a tote. with a label. and its own place, nestled snuggly by another, all cozy in a closet. if i needed something, i knew exactly where it was. i had decor for all seasons and holidays. i had wrapping paper/gift bags for every occassion. over the years and through our moves from maryville to kingston, and back. ive became a pack rat. not in the terms of i keep everything because i cant live without it. but it the terms of nothing has a place anymore. i cant find anything...its either in a closet, somewhere in my house. in the attic. under a bed. in the garage. its a domestic nightmare. so, my first new years resolution for 2008, is to become organized again.

2. pay it off!
i hate debt. probably more than the next person. not only does it prevent me from snatching up every pair of cute and perfect shoes i find but it prevents me from being free from worry. i hate the pressure of knowing you owe somebody, somewhere, something.....i want to be debt free. so, my second new years resolution, is to pay it off!

3. keep my schedule.
im the world's worst about making plans with someone, rather it be to meet with my dr, family or friends; and canceling. if the slightest thing comes up, that might make me rushed in the teeniest, tiniest amount; i'll cancel. honestly, i think being a stay at home mom this year, turned me into a homebody. and i come up with every excuse not to leave my house. i seriously hate that about myself. i think the lack of my social life this year, was (whispering in a very, very low tone, "my") fault. so, in 2008 - if i make plans with someone. they will be kept. i want to be a dependable friend. i always have been, but my recent track record has stunk! so, my third resolution in 2008, keep my schedule!

4. eat less. excercise more
as always, i couldn't make my list complete, without this one. what new year's resolution list doesn't have these goals? weight watchers has done so very well for me in the past. i want to find a buddy to got to meetings with again. excercise with. the moral support is a must for me to succeed. so my 4th and final resolution is too eat less/excercise more!

i hope this year i will succeed. i should. i mean, if im busy organizing my stuff and keeping my plans, then ill always be on the go....which will get me out of the house and doing things with others, not just quick trips for retail therapy....which will save $$.....so i should be totally organized, have a busy social life, be debt free and no longer be a fat ass after 2008!