Tuesday, December 4, 2007

shouldnt i feel different?

we had a visit yesterday with tbug's bio mom; in which she delivered news, aparantly to her...good news, by her words and body language, that she was going to be surrendering her parental rights during court, which is the 19th of this month. my first reaction was, well, speechless. after a moments silence, i did muster out a why? why did you decome to this decision. she further explained that she knew she wasnt going to get tbug back. and that her and her attorney had discussed in depth and with the issue tbug and her bio brother has, it just isnt going to happen. after the looong 2 hour visit; i came to the conclusion that her new life, with her new 'man' and her new friends had a major impact on her decision. i left the visit with very mixed emotions. not only mixed because i don't think the bio mom is doing this for the reason's she claimed [in a good home, best life for her, etc...] but for her new life with her new flava of the month and his kids. but very mixed emotions on if i actually want to adopt tbug. we got her march 27th of this year. the first 2 weeks of having her - i was very overwhelmed and wandered what the hell did we just get ourselves into. she was very mean. very, very mean. as time played it's course, she got comfortable with living with us. she calmed down. and jamie and i had derailed the focus of her therapists to place her in a residential treatment facility. we thought at the time she just needed love. lots of love. structure. discipline. over the past 8 months, she had changed. she doesn't hit or kick anymore. she does play alone now, and with toys. [and there were days i thought that would never happen]. but tantrums are still daily. anytime you ask her to do anything that she doesnt want to do. everyday it's like starting over and getting her for the first time. she has maybe a handful of responsibilites - alot less im sure than most 8 year old's...but she never does them. never without confrontations. if u would've asked me 5 months ago - we would have adopted her in a seconds time. but now...seeing how she really hasn't changed. but only gotten worse, if anything, on top of becoming very manipulative and deceiving, i don't know really how to feel. or what to do. her dad, although she hasn't seen him since she was 3, is still out there, somewhere; so this is still a long book yet to be finished.....but just the feelings i felt when her mom said, "i want you to adopt her". i wasn't thrilled. i wanted to say, "why? why do you want that? you really need to focus on getting thru your perm plan". although i would never want her to go back home to that crazy women....i just don't think we are the people to raise a very damaged, not broken, 8 year old with 4th generation mental illness and schizophrenia. she already talks of voices she hears that tells her to do bad things....im sorry, i don't want to be a vicitim to a child i love, when she's laying over me in the hospital bed saying, "i didn't mean to stab you mom, but my bad voice told me too". and yes, it's like that. she can say some pretty far out things.

jamie and i are so confused. we've had her for so long. she loves us. wants to live with us forever. and we love her. i think we are leaning more torward the hope that there are other parents out there, better qualified to deal with this. one's who have more patients to deal with this crazy behavior. but...on the other hand, if she was my child. my bio child that i carried for 9 months - and had these problems, it would be our burdens to deal with. to love her no matter what. were so confused. i feel she brings us down. connor down. she acts out so much. no one knows. they see the taylor she is in public...not the one we go thru struggle after struggle with. the one who, after 8 months, doesn't seem like she cares at all - even though we know she loves us.

shouldn't i feel different? im so stressed. i need my girls. a bottle of something. and some music.

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