Holy Rockstar!

In less than 21 hours, I will be an official member of lovely band'divas. Finally, finally, finally, finally; after this crazy and incredibly long journey [silly insurance companies] I will be banded. Yes, my stomach is in knots. Yes, my eyes are filled with tears. Yes, I am so incredibly anxious and happy and can't wait to officially [and finally] have control.

I realized last night that I have never not been fat. I've been smaller than I am now, but still fat. Even as a child, I was the chubby one. Maybe I am a bit nervous about not being fat. It's all I have really ever known. Once when I was smaller, I got a glimpse of how differently life is as a thinner person. Believe it or not, it's true. I kind of explained it once as my world is great, but black and white. The smaller I got, color started to appear. What if my face changes? What if I look older? What if my personality changes? My life is about to totally change; am I prepared for how deep the change will go? I think I am. In no way do I doubt my decision or if this is right for me. I know it is. I can't wait to run again. I can't wait to look in the mirror and smile at what I see. To feel beautiful, from the inside. To let my husband touch me, and feel sexy. To look someone in the eye and feel as confident as my hand shake.

goodbye unhappiness. goodbye unhealthiness. goodbye unattractiveness. hello beautiful life.